Vision

Many years ago God spoke something to me. It wasn't the only time, but I do remember the words. They have never left me. You see, everyone has stumbling blocks. Everyone has struggles. Everyone has failures. Scripture says that "We all fall short of the glory of God". Boy, isn't that the truth! If not wrestling with sin issues, it seems I have had my share of "falls", and I will be the first to say, when I fall, I fall hard and fast. They've been bad ones, awful ones, B I G ones. Underneath what someone, anyone really, could have seen on the outside, was a struggle I have had for as long as I remember, security issues. Trauma came early to me. It really isn't important how as much as for all my life this has been one issue that I could never get over. Years later, even in God . . . the ugly clutch of it never seemed to fully ever go away. Had I had any doubt, just a couple months ago at a bible study three counties away, a Word was brought forth to me. One sentence in, it was like he'd read my mail. Yet, he did not know me. He said, something to the effect: "The Lord says, that from the time you were very very young (and he made a hand gesture that would denote small child, perhaps toddler) you have had an insecurity. And the Lord says, . . . it's still here with you now." Yes. Holy Spirit shot through me like an flash. Then he spoke on, or I should say HE did, and went on about what my latest was. All along though, even after knowing God personally this "thing" has plagued me. It reminds me much of Paul's thorn. It also reminds me, that His grace is sufficient. For, even though the Word went on, never once did the Lord say it would be removed. So clock back to when I was serving with pretty much all I had . . . even then this was an issue. I could clearly see God in my life. I could definitely see Him in other's. I knew of His love and mercy and grace. Yet, what I encouraged everyone to take with childlike faith, I could not see or accept maybe His righteousness, His grace for myself. I could appear almost stoic. I could walk through hell and high water and I would recognize Him there, but that insecurity always lingered. The devil always spoke in my ear. Some days, some periods I did much better than others. Sometimes I did lousy at remembering whose I was. With insecurity comes fear and inability to trust fully. I could almost trust completely. I could nearly . . . yet never fully. I was deceived to think I did fully with people and I certainly was deceived to think I did fully with God. To be honest, it was just a fairly short time ago He showed me that I did not fully trust a person. When I realized what he was saying and realized how true that really was, then He floored me. He asked a form of a question. Did I not see the bigger problem? -That I didn't fully trust HIM. OH! Off subject, sort of- The saying He gave me was: "Your potential will never exceed your vision." I marveled. Yet, scripture does say "My people fail for a lack of knowledge." and "Without vision, my people perish." I could not see past circumstance for myself, though I could plainly see for everyone else. If the glass was half empty or full, I saw everyone else's half full but mine half empty because by then I was "afraid" to wish for, hope for or "expect" anything else. My insecurity had robbed me of fully living out some of the very desires of my heart! Devil somewhere laughing I am sure. One of the biggest things I am amazed by though is God's amazing grace. He truly IS the GOD of 2nd chances, 100th chances and so on! He has reminded me of that saying. This time round I feel it full brunt. I knew then I needed to expand the possibility of what God maybe wanted to do in my life. I needed to expand and maybe even purposefully prayerfully go back over all the little wants and desires and aspirations. I needed to see what He still had for me. I needed to believe He still did have more than I could see, feel, touch, and more than I had been. I praise the God, the Way Maker. I praise the One who knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise the God who saw my beginning right through to my end. I praise my God, Who love me anyway, dies for me anyway and still works on me now. We see in part and know in part. He sees it all. We often let the part we can see be clouded, but it is His desire to birth things and have them carried out with our hands and feet. I HAVE VISION now- beyond what I can see. I may not be a hundred percent able to trust just yet, but continually lay it back down for Him to take. & I DO TRUST that HE WILL! It was so true. "Your potential will never exceed your vision". Now may my potential be released! Thanks for stopping by. May your pots never fail to overflow with His oil. In the Name of Jesus-Amen!

Walking It Out

There have been many changes. Sometimes I have done well under the pressure of it all, other times I have felt like a wet cat trapped in a cardboard box wondering how to get out. My life has drastically changed. Everything about it has changed, actually. My job has expanded and I also have had two branches sprout for me, one being a small percentage owner in an unrelated export business and the other a vending business I felt led to begin. I will say in many ways I do not feel I am where I once was. On the other hand, I somehow feel I am exactly where God knew I would be. Despite my seeming to have fallen off the face of the earth to many Christians I know, or the ones on this blog, . . . I have remained with God and speaking to Him, with Him, this whole time. There has been a territory move, and in more than just my living. The entire arena of people have changed and the "mission field" that maybe stands before me is much different than the one I used to stand in. I am affiliated with bikers now. I knew some in the past, just wasn't hands on or around enough at the time. This did not happen because I longed for this thing. In fact, to tell the truth, I was not excited at all. My view of this was obscured in the beginning because all I saw was my own pre-conceived notions. Admittedly, there is a stubbornness in me, therefore, I really stuck to my own stubborn opinion. I also, unfortunately, probably missed why I was brought there in the first place and maybe most importantly, what God might want to do. God has put a new desire in my heart. I know it's Him and not me. Out of nowhere, and probably initially with a grimace, ha ha, I now seem to have thoughts of being a bike chaplain in my heart more and more. I now have been in this new venue long enough to see there is a need and to also recognize there is a mission field. It's almost as if He had to take me to what I perceived to be the "worst" of places to remind me that He loves and desires these folks just like He loves and desires me. I already knew it. I have already said those very things about all people in all walks of life. Yes, I knew it. I just didn't think that that's where I would be. Then again, there are a lot of places that I did not think I would be. First order, get myself where "I" need to be, with His help. Second order, pray more, read more, listen more and never never never think I know what's going on. I do believe that someday, probably soon, I will be a bike Chaplain. & I also strangely believe, that this thing I tried to avoid----- just like "ministering" in the past, . . . will become something I love in my heart. I look forward to that. I am just walking it out. I am sure not doing it perfectly but I am walking. God bless you all. May His light shine upon you and through you. In the Name of Jesus! Amen!

Season . . .

I am almost at a loss. Hasn't been often that I have been left with no words. I guess, I guess this has been a different season of my life. I look back and see different seasons with great uncanny. Yet sitting inside this one, it seems a lot is going on all the time and I barely recognize some places I have been.

There are things I miss, like singing praise and worship. Oh, I still do, but in my car, in my house, in the bathtub . . . ha ha. I guess some things do not change. That particular period of my life was an awesome one, in many resepcts. Singing from the floor with all the others, the Pastor turned and looked at me and said, "You KNOW you're supposed to be singing praise and worship for us, don't you?" I said some non-sensical stuff and nervously exited the conversation. Not long after, conceded, because the fact is God had already been telling me the same thing. I, at that moment, simply chalked it up to maybe the Pastor liking my voice . . . Wasn't long after I was on Praise and Worship. Funny thing, when you are trying to follow Jesus, . . . the Lord has a way of impressing on you where He wants you to be. Haha. So, I nervously took stage, and for a long while, almost hated it. I love to sing, but I was sqeemish. I could hardly look at all the people that suddenly seemed to be staring in my direction. I didn't like the attention and was terrified to sound bad etc. . . . I can say one thing about that early time, He carried me. He walked me up there, put a microphone in my hand and then "took me" somewhere . . . so I no longer could see the people or was even thinking of them. & Then He brought out of me the part of me He knew was in there somewhere. Things started to change. I started feeling comfortable and eventually it seemed the presence was heavy everytime Sunday rolled around. I ended up singing 6 1/2 years.

About six months after a failed marriage, with a then husband who was somewhere else, I stepped down. I realized that my heart no longer wanted restoration. Maybe it never did. The marriage itself probably should not have happened. & When he came, I knew this. Told him the first day after I had had a good time but I had asked God. I hadn't even made it back into my door yet and stood on my back porch when God gave me a pretty clear answer. See, until that time, heartbroken that I had lost the one I truly had dearly loved, I got a word from God that someone was coming and he was coming just for me. Fifty percent of me thought it was my true love, coming back, but the "right" way. The other fifty thought, if it wasn't him, then it must be someone awesome and he must be a Christian. & Somehow God would just mend my heart . . . cause afterall, how else would it work?!? & I got up and brushed myself off, . . . and I kept walking and doing and showing up . . . When I started professing that God said someone was coming and coming just for me, people either seemed to feel sorry for me or they asked, "Well when the one comes that is the one, how will you know?" & My reply was always the same "I don't know I'll just know." That night when I was dropped off from having dinner, I sat in his truck and thought "he is NOT the one" but did not understand why. I let him peck kiss me thinking something would spark, . . . it didn't. Still thought, "he isn't the one" but did not understand why. Got to the porch and started asking God, while even looking at the truck in my then drive. I was trying to cess it out, almost reasoning. "Lord, he is a nice man. About the right age. We had a good time. He even wants to live in the country! So, why wouldn't he be the one?!" & Very plainly I felt the Lord say, "Well did you just know?!" OH! Ha ha. Used my very words on me . . . (Clearly GOd DOES HAVE a sense of humor!)

For three months I kept telling him, and I truly have no idea if it was one thing or a multitude of things that led me to eventually change my mind. I know I was still in love with the one that was no longer there. I also know I grew very tired. I also know that this new one was a pretty awwesome guy. He was nice for the most part and easy going. He seemed to really love God. He somewhere in there changed churches, left his for mine. I got so upset when he told me he was going to do this, even asking if the "one" came what was going to happen, because we WERE friends, but I knew he'd be hurt, but if that ONE came, I would go on with that one, then what . . . It literally got to having to tell him and retell him every day that I was sorry, but he was NOT the one. That I wold remain his friend, etc. In my mind and heart, GOd had already spoken right at the beginning. I'm not sure what exactly wore me down. It probably didn't help (me) that everyone loved him. Everyone thought he was great. & I had comments from various people along the way, wondering if I was missing something from the Lord . . . One lady Kay, repeatedly, saying "I don't know. . . he sure is going to make someone a good husband." I remember being tired of it once and saying back, "Yes, he probably will. I'm not sure whose husband he is, . . . I just know he's not mine". Funny,. . . cause at the end of those three months, it's like I just caved. & Suddenly I looked out at all these people, who knew God . . . and I looked at him, who knew God . . . and I thought to myself "Surely ALL these people can't be wrong and I'm the only one right here."

& That's all it takes. That's all it took . . . one thought. One thought and a tired person who was also lonely. Then followed thoughts of, "Well you don't love each other, but . . . you are good friends. That probably wouldn't be so bad." More thoughts . . . "Maybe God has something for us to do . . . " More thoughts . . . .

The Lord tried to stop me. Besides initially telling me, He really didn't let it get more "comfortable". I was at ease with him as a friend and talking about "God stuff", but that's really all we had. I was not attracted to him, even though he was not a bad looking man. What we liked to do vary greatly and how we viewed work did too.

The moment I mouthed that I had been thinking and wondered if maybe God WAS trying to do something, . . . I ended up engaged. That's was April 4th. We were married on May 12th. We didn't allow really any time for anyone to secong guess. & At the time, the Pastor was sure we shouldn't let any time pass, or I might, indeed, change my mind.

Just days before the wedding God even gave me a dream of seeing myself in bright sunshine, alone, walking down the road AWAY from the house we were then going to live in. In the dream, a car came quickly up the road and slammed on the breaks. The window rolled down and I saw my Pastor who look at me very angrily and said, "What are you doing?!?!?!" and I wanted to say something but was unable to . . . . Then he said,"Get inthe car!!!" And I did . . .

By the time I had this dream, though, I was so turned that all I remember thinking . . . and saying aobut it was, "Man, the devil sure will do anything to get you not to do what God wants!" hmmm--- Wow, hindsight.

& When that didn't work, the very night before the wedding I stopped athte new house to see him before I went home. He was there with his best friend/best man. I happily told him about visiting my friend Chuck before I arrived, He got very angry. He proceded to tell me I would not be talking to or seeing him anymore. I got very upset. After all, I had talked very infrequently to this friend Chuck, who I had known for years, who was the only one of the prior eight years of my life that I had contact with. Chuck and I were never more than friends. & This new man knew I occasionally checked in on him etc. After all, this man was the only friend that stuck with me and checked on me every now and gain after losing the man I loved. He was only one of that whole period of my life I ever saw. & I had plainly told this guy how much Chuck meant, how I couldn't wit for him to know him and how he was a true friend and it needed to remain that way------before this night. I was upset. So was he. I got so upset I opted to leave. He didn't want me to, not that way. Then he was afriad that I would cancel the wedding, which was the next day. & He manhandled me and pushed me around that night not letting me go. I even called out to the friend, but he chose to stay out of it. Finally he did let go and I did leave, distraught and confused but still telling him that I wouldn't cancel. . . . & Let me say, I know he didn't mean to. He did, though. & If nothing up to that point made me stop in my tracks, that should have. I can't explain why it didn't. I guess by then I thought that surely God must have a plan. So despite the huge uneasiness, I had determined to follow through, . . . even without love, even with no understanding of it, despite what had just happened. So that night I drove home. the next day I showed up and had to have my sister put make-up on a trail of bruises on my upper left back, that I assume was gotten from landing up again something . . .

And that day I stood before God and man and had made promises, that in the end, neither of us kept.

& Sitting here now, I know that God would have preferred that we kept our vows, stayed together and let Him walk us through it. Sitting here now I also know that He really really isn't not obligated to "bless" something that wasn't His idea.

When we had to move, that man did not come with me. It was the weirdest time. There was no explanation and yet we'd show up on church on Sunday and sit together etc. I heard through the grapevine that the first couple weeks he'd went camping, to the races, fishing . . . etc. On my end all I knew is he hadn't come and he didn't explain why . . . but I didn't ask either.

I also know two days in, me and my daughter in the house in town, carrying a box from the garage I broke completely down on the back step. & I cried that day aloud and I was apologizing to God again for failing. I rmember even saying how I didn't even know what I had done this time . . . & I had looked at the back of the house, which ironically the same house I had lived in before when he came and I borke down more. & I cried out, being sorry that I, in essence, just really felt I was going backwards and that here I am Lord, even back at the same house . . .

At the moment I cried out my apology and heart to God, He just seemed to wash over me with this very warm and full feeling . . . and inside all it felt like was "It's okay that you;re going backwards." & Peace washed through me like warm syrup . . .

The very next day, in almost the same place, carrying yet another box from the garage to the house, I just had this feeling come over in my very gut that said, "Don't worry, it isn't coming back". Immediately I took that to mean, or "just knew" that meant the "marriage" I did not understand. & Whether right or wrong, . . . I felt relief.

I did feel for the first six months though, that I was to "do nothing" about it. & I didn't. Still, conversations didn't happen. No one came to reclaim their wife or anything. It was just odd. Very weird.

So again, as in the beginning, six months after being separated, . . . I no longer felt I should be singing from stage. I didn't want people looking on, and considering me leadership when obviously things in my life had gotten to such an odd place, . . . and because my heart no longer was for the idea of restoration . . .

I knew from God talking to me that it would unravel and be no more. I didn't know how though.

We were separated about 15 months to the day before a dissolution was signed and ruled over.

He went his way and I went mine. We both, thankfully, wished each other well. & I really do hope wherever he is he is blessed and enjoying where God has Him. I never see him anymore.

So many lessons there. Most of them after the fact. Most, though, wouldn't not have been suffered or walked out by either of us, had I actually listened to, trusted and not waivered on what I knew that I knew that I knew God had told me.

When we are weak or tired, the enemy surely does come in like a flood and he will take us off course using anything, even something or someone wonderful.

We just all have to walk close enough that we can hear Him . . . and then close enough that we are not moved.

Yes, I truly miss praise and worship on a coroporate level. I cannot explain the "feeling" of being "home" that I had all those years . . .

But- I do still do praise and worship - now in a quieter way, I guess, to the God who has never forsaken me, . . . even when I have forsaken Him.

I don't know what is in store for me or my walk now. I have some indicators but even there I am not sure.

I think singing is in there, also eventually speaking- to whom or where, . . . I have no idea. Writing? not sure. I sometimes think God uses writing as therapy for me . . .

I still deliver bread most weeekends to needy and un-needy alike. Was a door he opened and kept me in.

Other than that, I am almost at a loss. Hasn't been often that I have been left with no words. I guess, I guess this has been a different season of my life.

Just a different season . . .

God bless-

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Flux

I have not written here for awhile. In the last months I seem to have been in a great transition period. Still now, there are many changes occurring all at the same time. To be quite frank, there have been moments that I have, sat and wondered, "Lord, am I even in You at all?!". Distressing moments.

Every time I had allowed myself to get too tired, that I had tried too many things on my own or that I had let outside views or words get to me . . . He always seemed to come right in. . . be right there. There was always some, however small, encouragement that then made me say, "No! satan, you're a liar!" and praise God, praise God, praise God . . .

I am not where I once was. Still, I believe I am getting where I need to be.

I ignorantly, and then later unfortunately, was the queen of looking back, recounting every heartache, every mistake, every wrong and every sin. Though I came to know Christ along the way, I still struggled greatly with simply letting go and moving on. Instead, my habit was to hold on to everything and carry it with me.
For someone with a life that had been riddled with mistake, regret and destruction, . . . still I was blind to the heavy load I apparently chose to still carry. I was weighted down, but still trying to walk, sometimes even run.

The thing the Lord showed me a few months ago or so, is that when Job's wife looked back at all the loss and destruction, . . . she was then frozen in that stance forever more. She was taken out and left forever standing still. Then I shuddered, realizing that I easily could be her if I could not just let go and trust the One who is the only One that can be fully and completely trusted.

Breathe . . .

Sometimes it is the most invigorating thing to just sit quietly in the presence of the Almighty, letting Him empty you and just breath new life into every part of your being.

No words needing spoken. No songs being hummed or sung. Just sitting and breathing in . . .

Behold, . . . all things do truly become new . . . or new again.

Still in flux. Still watching and waiting and praying and dealing with things and people and places and trying to cooperate while He continues to move things around and reminds me of the tasks He has put before me.

Yet, I have peace, and I have His strength to keep getting up, keep going on, keep praying and believing and walking it out, with yes, my own fear and trembling. . .

But I will say-

I will praise Him forever more. I will send prayers into the heavenlys and I will continue to walk out the tasks He has given to me.

As it is written, "There is none righteous, no, not one." Romans 3:10 KJV

But He is . . . He was . . . and He always will be.

Have a great day everyone. God bless you and may you bless others, In the Name of Jesus, Amen

Dead Eyes, Dead Ears, Dead Hearts

I pulled up the news today . . . as I do everyday. I was gripped by a headline that said "Dead Bodies Are Everywhere" . . .

I read the story, or most of it, and my insides just sunk. Chaos. Destruction. & People just "gone" in a blink . . . again. . .

Then I thought of how many times we hear things like this or see news clips about this kind of thing and just "click" move on to another channel or to another conversation. & My heart sank again.

We are highly desensitized. We are complacent about things going on much further than our own doorstep or at least the doorsteps of those we love. & We are lackadaisical, at best, with the all God gives us.


"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
LUKE 10:27 NIV

Rarely do any of us get the first one right---at least all the time. & Certainly the second part we don't seem to accomplish either.

I am sure there are some out there . . . but generally, overall, . . . our hearts DON'T break, our eyes don't weep . . .

We don't think much past the second of hearing something awful happening down the street, let alone around the world . . .

We don't don't grieve with the grieving, especially if they aren't from home . . .

& Yet, so many around the world have had such a tougher way to go than everyone that lives here. & They have lived it out day by day over and over and over again . . .

WHERE ARE WE?

Where are at least the intercessors continuously sending up prayers for villages and cities and countries and people????

Where are the ones that still care . . . that see past the news clip and whose hearts just break at the devastation and the heartbreak of people down the street or ones they may never know?

We understand how to send money and most don't want to do that----

But I'm not even talking about that. I am talking about humanity and our God, who says that we are to love HIM and LOVE THEM . . .

Yet, for most of us, all that, people we don't know in general, really aren't much more than a thought . . . and sometimes it's not even that.

GOD FORGIVE US.

Today, let us drop color and nationality and belief. We know Whose we are----- & We know Who IS. Let us all take some time to at lest pray so that all of them might know also. & Let us pray for them, . . . even those that hate us. Why? because we are commanded to. & Because if we love as He said, . . . we would want to anyway.

& Then let us spend some time thanking God for the tremendous blessing we got just by being born where we are . . .

And the fact that He is so very merciful with us-------- because we don't do as he asked and we don't do it on a regular basis.

Lord let us be more mindful from this day on . . .

IN the Name of JESUS, Amen.