THE ROPE

2011-09-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

Season . . .

2011-03-30T05:51:00.000-07:00

I am almost at a loss. Hasn't been often that I have been left with no words. I guess, I guess this has been a different season of my life. I look back and see different seasons with great uncanny. Yet sitting inside this one, it seems a lot is going on all the time and I barely recognize some places I have been.

There are things I miss, like singing praise and worship. Oh, I still do, but in my car, in my house, in the bathtub . . . ha ha. I guess some things do not change. That particular period of my life was an awesome one, in many resepcts. Singing from the floor with all the others, the Pastor turned and looked at me and said, "You KNOW you're supposed to be singing praise and worship for us, don't you?" I said some non-sensical stuff and nervously exited the conversation. Not long after, conceded, because the fact is God had already been telling me the same thing. I, at that moment, simply chalked it up to maybe the Pastor liking my voice . . . Wasn't long after I was on Praise and Worship. Funny thing, when you are trying to follow Jesus, . . . the Lord has a way of impressing on you where He wants you to be. Haha. So, I nervously took stage, and for a long while, almost hated it. I love to sing, but I was sqeemish. I could hardly look at all the people that suddenly seemed to be staring in my direction. I didn't like the attention and was terrified to sound bad etc. . . . I can say one thing about that early time, He carried me. He walked me up there, put a microphone in my hand and then "took me" somewhere . . . so I no longer could see the people or was even thinking of them. & Then He brought out of me the part of me He knew was in there somewhere. Things started to change. I started feeling comfortable and eventually it seemed the presence was heavy everytime Sunday rolled around. I ended up singing 6 1/2 years.

About six months after a failed marriage, with a then husband who was somewhere else, I stepped down. I realized that my heart no longer wanted restoration. Maybe it never did. The marriage itself probably should not have happened. & When he came, I knew this. Told him the first day after I had had a good time but I had asked God. I hadn't even made it back into my door yet and stood on my back porch when God gave me a pretty clear answer. See, until that time, heartbroken that I had lost the one I truly had dearly loved, I got a word from God that someone was coming and he was coming just for me. Fifty percent of me thought it was my true love, coming back, but the "right" way. The other fifty thought, if it wasn't him, then it must be someone awesome and he must be a Christian. & Somehow God would just mend my heart . . . cause afterall, how else would it work?!? & I got up and brushed myself off, . . . and I kept walking and doing and showing up . . . When I started professing that God said someone was coming and coming just for me, people either seemed to feel sorry for me or they asked, "Well when the one comes that is the one, how will you know?" & My reply was always the same "I don't know I'll just know." That night when I was dropped off from having dinner, I sat in his truck and thought "he is NOT the one" but did not understand why. I let him peck kiss me thinking something would spark, . . . it didn't. Still thought, "he isn't the one" but did not understand why. Got to the porch and started asking God, while even looking at the truck in my then drive. I was trying to cess it out, almost reasoning. "Lord, he is a nice man. About the right age. We had a good time. He even wants to live in the country! So, why wouldn't he be the one?!" & Very plainly I felt the Lord say, "Well did you just know?!" OH! Ha ha. Used my very words on me . . . (Clearly GOd DOES HAVE a sense of humor!)

For three months I kept telling him, and I truly have no idea if it was one thing or a multitude of things that led me to eventually change my mind. I know I was still in love with the one that was no longer there. I also know I grew very tired. I also know that this new one was a pretty awwesome guy. He was nice for the most part and easy going. He seemed to really love God. He somewhere in there changed churches, left his for mine. I got so upset when he told me he was going to do this, even asking if the "one" came what was going to happen, because we WERE friends, but I knew he'd be hurt, but if that ONE came, I would go on with that one, then what . . . It literally got to having to tell him and retell him every day that I was sorry, but he was NOT the one. That I wold remain his friend, etc. In my mind and heart, GOd had already spoken right at the beginning. I'm not sure what exactly wore me down. It probably didn't help (me) that everyone loved him. Everyone thought he was great. & I had comments from various people along the way, wondering if I was missing something from the Lord . . . One lady Kay, repeatedly, saying "I don't know. . . he sure is going to make someone a good husband." I remember being tired of it once and saying back, "Yes, he probably will. I'm not sure whose husband he is, . . . I just know he's not mine". Funny,. . . cause at the end of those three months, it's like I just caved. & Suddenly I looked out at all these people, who knew God . . . and I looked at him, who knew God . . . and I thought to myself "Surely ALL these people can't be wrong and I'm the only one right here."

& That's all it takes. That's all it took . . . one thought. One thought and a tired person who was also lonely. Then followed thoughts of, "Well you don't love each other, but . . . you are good friends. That probably wouldn't be so bad." More thoughts . . . "Maybe God has something for us to do . . . " More thoughts . . . .

The Lord tried to stop me. Besides initially telling me, He really didn't let it get more "comfortable". I was at ease with him as a friend and talking about "God stuff", but that's really all we had. I was not attracted to him, even though he was not a bad looking man. What we liked to do vary greatly and how we viewed work did too.

The moment I mouthed that I had been thinking and wondered if maybe God WAS trying to do something, . . . I ended up engaged. That's was April 4th. We were married on May 12th. We didn't allow really any time for anyone to secong guess. & At the time, the Pastor was sure we shouldn't let any time pass, or I might, indeed, change my mind.

Just days before the wedding God even gave me a dream of seeing myself in bright sunshine, alone, walking down the road AWAY from the house we were then going to live in. In the dream, a car came quickly up the road and slammed on the breaks. The window rolled down and I saw my Pastor who look at me very angrily and said, "What are you doing?!?!?!" and I wanted to say something but was unable to . . . . Then he said,"Get inthe car!!!" And I did . . .

By the time I had this dream, though, I was so turned that all I remember thinking . . . and saying aobut it was, "Man, the devil sure will do anything to get you not to do what God wants!" hmmm--- Wow, hindsight.

& When that didn't work, the very night before the wedding I stopped athte new house to see him before I went home. He was there with his best friend/best man. I happily told him about visiting my friend Chuck before I arrived, He got very angry. He proceded to tell me I would not be talking to or seeing him anymore. I got very upset. After all, I had talked very infrequently to this friend Chuck, who I had known for years, who was the only one of the prior eight years of my life that I had contact with. Chuck and I were never more than friends. & This new man knew I occasionally checked in on him etc. After all, this man was the only friend that stuck with me and checked on me every now and gain after losing the man I loved. He was only one of that whole period of my life I ever saw. & I had plainly told this guy how much Chuck meant, how I couldn't wit for him to know him and how he was a true friend and it needed to remain that way------before this night. I was upset. So was he. I got so upset I opted to leave. He didn't want me to, not that way. Then he was afriad that I would cancel the wedding, which was the next day. & He manhandled me and pushed me around that night not letting me go. I even called out to the friend, but he chose to stay out of it. Finally he did let go and I did leave, distraught and confused but still telling him that I wouldn't cancel. . . . & Let me say, I know he didn't mean to. He did, though. & If nothing up to that point made me stop in my tracks, that should have. I can't explain why it didn't. I guess by then I thought that surely God must have a plan. So despite the huge uneasiness, I had determined to follow through, . . . even without love, even with no understanding of it, despite what had just happened. So that night I drove home. the next day I showed up and had to have my sister put make-up on a trail of bruises on my upper left back, that I assume was gotten from landing up again something . . .

And that day I stood before God and man and had made promises, that in the end, neither of us kept.

& Sitting here now, I know that God would have preferred that we kept our vows, stayed together and let Him walk us through it. Sitting here now I also know that He really really isn't not obligated to "bless" something that wasn't His idea.

When we had to move, that man did not come with me. It was the weirdest time. There was no explanation and yet we'd show up on church on Sunday and sit together etc. I heard through the grapevine that the first couple weeks he'd went camping, to the races, fishing . . . etc. On my end all I knew is he hadn't come and he didn't explain why . . . but I didn't ask either.

I also know two days in, me and my daughter in the house in town, carrying a box from the garage I broke completely down on the back step. & I cried that day aloud and I was apologizing to God again for failing. I rmember even saying how I didn't even know what I had done this time . . . & I had looked at the back of the house, which ironically the same house I had lived in before when he came and I borke down more. & I cried out, being sorry that I, in essence, just really felt I was going backwards and that here I am Lord, even back at the same house . . .

At the moment I cried out my apology and heart to God, He just seemed to wash over me with this very warm and full feeling . . . and inside all it felt like was "It's okay that you;re going backwards." & Peace washed through me like warm syrup . . .

The very next day, in almost the same place, carrying yet another box from the garage to the house, I just had this feeling come over in my very gut that said, "Don't worry, it isn't coming back". Immediately I took that to mean, or "just knew" that meant the "marriage" I did not understand. & Whether right or wrong, . . . I felt relief.

I did feel for the first six months though, that I was to "do nothing" about it. & I didn't. Still, conversations didn't happen. No one came to reclaim their wife or anything. It was just odd. Very weird.

So again, as in the beginning, six months after being separated, . . . I no longer felt I should be singing from stage. I didn't want people looking on, and considering me leadership when obviously things in my life had gotten to such an odd place, . . . and because my heart no longer was for the idea of restoration . . .

I knew from God talking to me that it would unravel and be no more. I didn't know how though.

We were separated about 15 months to the day before a dissolution was signed and ruled over.

He went his way and I went mine. We both, thankfully, wished each other well. & I really do hope wherever he is he is blessed and enjoying where God has Him. I never see him anymore.

So many lessons there. Most of them after the fact. Most, though, wouldn't not have been suffered or walked out by either of us, had I actually listened to, trusted and not waivered on what I knew that I knew that I knew God had told me.

When we are weak or tired, the enemy surely does come in like a flood and he will take us off course using anything, even something or someone wonderful.

We just all have to walk close enough that we can hear Him . . . and then close enough that we are not moved.

Yes, I truly miss praise and worship on a coroporate level. I cannot explain the "feeling" of being "home" that I had all those years . . .

But- I do still do praise and worship - now in a quieter way, I guess, to the God who has never forsaken me, . . . even when I have forsaken Him.

I don't know what is in store for me or my walk now. I have some indicators but even there I am not sure.

I think singing is in there, also eventually speaking- to whom or where, . . . I have no idea. Writing? not sure. I sometimes think God uses writing as therapy for me . . .

I still deliver bread most weeekends to needy and un-needy alike. Was a door he opened and kept me in.

Other than that, I am almost at a loss. Hasn't been often that I have been left with no words. I guess, I guess this has been a different season of my life.

Just a different season . . .

God bless-

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2010-12-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

Flux

2010-11-29T05:10:00.000-08:00

I have not written here for awhile. In the last months I seem to have been in a great transition period. Still now, there are many changes occurring all at the same time. To be quite frank, there have been moments that I have, sat and wondered, "Lord, am I even in You at all?!". Distressing moments.

Every time I had allowed myself to get too tired, that I had tried too many things on my own or that I had let outside views or words get to me . . . He always seemed to come right in. . . be right there. There was always some, however small, encouragement that then made me say, "No! satan, you're a liar!" and praise God, praise God, praise God . . .

I am not where I once was. Still, I believe I am getting where I need to be.

I ignorantly, and then later unfortunately, was the queen of looking back, recounting every heartache, every mistake, every wrong and every sin. Though I came to know Christ along the way, I still struggled greatly with simply letting go and moving on. Instead, my habit was to hold on to everything and carry it with me.
For someone with a life that had been riddled with mistake, regret and destruction, . . . still I was blind to the heavy load I apparently chose to still carry. I was weighted down, but still trying to walk, sometimes even run.

The thing the Lord showed me a few months ago or so, is that when Job's wife looked back at all the loss and destruction, . . . she was then frozen in that stance forever more. She was taken out and left forever standing still. Then I shuddered, realizing that I easily could be her if I could not just let go and trust the One who is the only One that can be fully and completely trusted.

Breathe . . .

Sometimes it is the most invigorating thing to just sit quietly in the presence of the Almighty, letting Him empty you and just breath new life into every part of your being.

No words needing spoken. No songs being hummed or sung. Just sitting and breathing in . . .

Behold, . . . all things do truly become new . . . or new again.

Still in flux. Still watching and waiting and praying and dealing with things and people and places and trying to cooperate while He continues to move things around and reminds me of the tasks He has put before me.

Yet, I have peace, and I have His strength to keep getting up, keep going on, keep praying and believing and walking it out, with yes, my own fear and trembling. . .

But I will say-

I will praise Him forever more. I will send prayers into the heavenlys and I will continue to walk out the tasks He has given to me.

As it is written, "There is none righteous, no, not one." Romans 3:10 KJV

But He is . . . He was . . . and He always will be.

Have a great day everyone. God bless you and may you bless others, In the Name of Jesus, Amen

Dead Eyes, Dead Ears, Dead Hearts

2010-08-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

I pulled up the news today . . . as I do everyday. I was gripped by a headline that said "Dead Bodies Are Everywhere" . . .

I read the story, or most of it, and my insides just sunk. Chaos. Destruction. & People just "gone" in a blink . . . again. . .

Then I thought of how many times we hear things like this or see news clips about this kind of thing and just "click" move on to another channel or to another conversation. & My heart sank again.

We are highly desensitized. We are complacent about things going on much further than our own doorstep or at least the doorsteps of those we love. & We are lackadaisical, at best, with the all God gives us.

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
LUKE 10:27 NIV

Rarely do any of us get the first one right---at least all the time. & Certainly the second part we don't seem to accomplish either.

I am sure there are some out there . . . but generally, overall, . . . our hearts DON'T break, our eyes don't weep . . .

We don't think much past the second of hearing something awful happening down the street, let alone around the world . . .

We don't don't grieve with the grieving, especially if they aren't from home . . .

& Yet, so many around the world have had such a tougher way to go than everyone that lives here. & They have lived it out day by day over and over and over again . . .

WHERE ARE WE?

Where are at least the intercessors continuously sending up prayers for villages and cities and countries and people????

Where are the ones that still care . . . that see past the news clip and whose hearts just break at the devastation and the heartbreak of people down the street or ones they may never know?

We understand how to send money and most don't want to do that----

But I'm not even talking about that. I am talking about humanity and our God, who says that we are to love HIM and LOVE THEM . . .

Yet, for most of us, all that, people we don't know in general, really aren't much more than a thought . . . and sometimes it's not even that.

GOD FORGIVE US.

Today, let us drop color and nationality and belief. We know Whose we are----- & We know Who IS. Let us all take some time to at lest pray so that all of them might know also. & Let us pray for them, . . . even those that hate us. Why? because we are commanded to. & Because if we love as He said, . . . we would want to anyway.

& Then let us spend some time thanking God for the tremendous blessing we got just by being born where we are . . .

And the fact that He is so very merciful with us-------- because we don't do as he asked and we don't do it on a regular basis.

Lord let us be more mindful from this day on . . .

IN the Name of JESUS, Amen.

Ch ch ch Changes . . .

2010-08-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

Things have been changing. Climate. Surroundings. Whole people groups. Movement . . . everywhere, movement. Small balls becoming large ones. . . Have asked myself, but more importantly God many times . . . where am I in these last months. & Yet, knowing somehow it is a re-positioning. Hmm. Humans, creatures of habit. Change often rattles cages. For some, brings excitement.

I have had almost a breaking in all the "what I thoughts" these last months. I, who staunchly would never want anyone to think I was "religious" persay . . . found out I carried quite a bit of "religiousness" on me.

Clearly seeing God moving in a variety of ways through many lives I see . . . and uniquely to them and their particular life . . . and yet somehow managed to put myself . . . and sometimes God in a box.

There seems to a be a movement into the streets and out of the streets all at the same time.

Home bible studies/churches seem to have picked up again.

Almost feels a preparation of perhaps a time when we will have no choice.

It had been spoken over me several times along the way about music and street ministry. & While, unfortunatley for me, the music seems to be on hold--- He had to show me that I am already doing street ministry and I guess I did not recognize it-
though I clearly did see His hand.

Luke 14:12-24 talks about a banquet that the King called . . . and everyone had an excuse. They were valid reasons, but in the King's eyes- they were excuses. So he ordered his servants, "compelled" them actually to GO OUT into all the streets and highways and biways and bring them in. So the cripple and lame and destitute were brought in. & The angered King said that none of those who had been invited but had excuses would sit at his table . . .

And so as HE has invited us. & while many did not and will not come, HE orders us, actually "compels" us to GO OUT into all the streets and highways and biways . . . and the WORLD and be used as instruments as He brings them in. And we, and the rest of the cripple and lame and destitute come and can dine with THE KING.

I am grateful He is still with me/in me/around me. I am glad when the world says "Who are you!?!" He says, "Hello".

Sometimes things we never thought we would be doing or even ever wanted to do becomes very very dear to our hearts . . .

May we all feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. May we all meditate on even one verse or one parable today, and may it be the just what we needed to carry us through this day. For HE is the Provider. In the Name of Jesus- Amen-

GOD BLESS

Being Barraged With A Million Different Viewpoints

2010-08-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

I write on another site. I wrote a couple times ago about sometimes being brought to frustration over what I see and what I hear and trying to hand onto a real God in the process. For simplicity sake, I am going to copy what I wrote the last two time there, so it saves time and so you can see the fullness of what has been trapsing through my head. If, in the 2nd one it seems I am responding, I was in part. I had many comments when I wrote the 1st, but I will not copy them over as I do not have the other folks' permission. God bless. Sorry about length.
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This is no wonderful revelation. This is not directive from the Lord.
Well maybe not . . .

This is me talking to/with all of you, wanting to get some other peoples' thoughts . . . feelings, . . . God leadings etc.

I have written about this before, because I felt He was either telling me of these things, or having me wonder about these things before.

MONTHS AGO I was working. When I work, because of being primarily in one spot, sitting in a chair . . . I listen to a lot of stuff. I sometimes get to watch some also.

I will listen to Pastors preach and prophetic gifted people talk about this or that, listen to praise music etc.

Well one day I had listened and watched and heard . . . and something, that I think had been in there as a question mark just "suddenly" grew and welled up in me . . . . and I felt frustration and I almost felt anger . . . and I rolled away from my desk and said aloud, "Lord, is ANY OF THIS even real?!?!"

& I didn't mean Him.

I meant- I hear this one say this and that one say that and this group over here saying this is what God is doing, but that group over there saying this is what He is doing. Some prophesying calamity while others screaming NO . . .

Many believing and walking in the spiritual gifts of God, some believing and "acting" or whatever that they are, . . . and some who have never believed that that kind of thing is for today at all.

Some of these people "I" have actually followed . . .

And still . . . lately again, "I" have had almost a distaste . . . of a really big questionmark in my head on whether much of this is God, ever has been God, or was God but God got left somewhere behind . . . of if somehow it is just me . . .

I am no one's judge. & Not really my place to weigh. But at the same time---- it says we are to hold up against His Word.

????????????????????????????? & It seems to vary GREATLY by peoples' interpretation. & You can have twelve people beliving 150 things about the same paragraph often . . .

Another thing- and I'm just going to say it Lord-----

Every channel I am on or man of the programs (not all) that I might watch------- something else has been highlighted to me.

& TRUST ME I KNOW the gospel must be funded. & TRUST ME I KNOW we are to pay tithes and offerings and make sure that that the people that are running in His purpose are taken care of ===== He often uses us to help provide for them . . . . I know this.

Yet, if you watch, . . . you can change from channel to channel and often it seems almost like a carnival barker . . .

Everyone has a book. Everyone has tapes or cds. Everyone has a great new teaching you gotta have====== cause today=-----it is your answer . . .

& More than once I have been reminded of when Jesus stormed into the temple and overturned the tables and yelled at the folks inside "in the name of God and otherwise"-------------------- that It WOULD BE a HOUSE f prayer !!!! & That they would NOT do this in His Father's House.

But we seem to do it ===== all the time------ and IN THE NAME of the Father . . .

I do tithe. I do offer on a regular basis, my time, my prayers, my thoughts, my labor . . . AND MY money.

So it isn't that I resent giving money. It's that I think much that is going on---maybe left God out before-----------------

& Focuses seem amiss if anything. I don't know if this is something GOD illuminated me to or if it something I just think----------- but I think even good things can take us completely off our path with God and even take us away from God if we aren't careful.

So- in essence, even if a gift---a true gift----- or blessings or money or whatever------- IS the focus----------- and He no longer is . . .
then I really think it's amiss at best . . .

That day HE did not answer me. He did not say, "Yes it is real or no it is not." He just said I had Him . . . which was the important thing.

YES----

And then He reminded, and has reminded me several times . . . the "simplicity" of th gospel".

How they needed a savior. How they did not know Him. How He came and lived to die to be the one sacrifice that could restore us all back unto Himself---

How he walked with them and talked with them and supped with them and prayed with them and showed Himself real . . .

So they might know Him . . . and be able to have relationship------

And then He went back to the Father . . .

SO THEY went--- and they walked and they talked and they supped and they prayed and He showed Himself real so others would know he was real and they could have relationship - - - so they might go

SO I might know . . . so I might also go and walk with them and talk withthem and supp with them and pray for them so He can show Himself real . . . and have a relationship . . . etc.

And that simply signs and wonder follow believers . . .
& I thought----wow------ You're right . . .

SO--- I don't have to ask for it or hope for it or chase after it or focus on it . . . . and if I do, . . . I am probablynot where I need to be------no matter what my gifts are . . . .

But I am curious about what others are seeing/hearing/feelings etc.

Is it just me?
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I also don't have anything against pastors getting paid. & Don't have anything against someone having a good teaching, that people want--- and they charge a "fair" amount for----------- because God does provide for His own, and also provides for His purpose & often it is through us.

I think that all of them are probably no different than all of us.

Probably most really did or do have a heart for God and really wanted to make a difference

Some went askew
Some did not

Many askew - whether pastors or teachers or on t.v. or not---- probably don't know if they are "off".

& There are still many working tirelessly to try to be whoever it is that they feel God has called them to be.

But we are one Body. We are pieces and parts. Each one of us might be in that Body and yet have totally different functioning. But ya seem to see a lot of folks who think that this is the way God works---- and this is what He is doing right now----- and if you can't see that, then brother or sister, you just don't fully know Christ.

Maybe, . . . or maybe not.

The truth is, I have visited, watched and spent time with folks that are very methodic in their belief and do not believe that some things, like healings and deliverance etc. is valid today. I personally do not believe that is true, but it does not mean they do not fully have God.

Maybe they are not walking in what I perceive to be the fullness of God, but perhaps their closeness--- with no bells or whistles at all just further magnifies their love for Him in His eyes-------I don't know.

At the same time, do I still wonder when I hear people talking about gold dust or gems appearing out of nowhere . . . if this is also God---------------even though I do believe in the supernatural side of God?
Yes I do wonder. Why? Two reasons, I guess. One is human nature--
it hasn't happened to me. Two, because it says that God does not change. He is the same yesterday, today and will always be . . .
& I personally have not seen where this particular thing is mentioned in the bible.

But-----He most certainly caused a burning bush
He parted the red sea
He caused demons to flee from a severely tormented man

and even after He took my cross . . .

His followers went and did exactly what He showed them to do . . .

All of which is pretty darn miraculous.

So I don't know. Sometimes I don't know what to think. I know His ways aren't my ways . . . I've never thought otherwise.

I have heard people quote that scripture and others when someone does not believe the particular new thing God is now doing . . .

On the other hand- I have also heard people quote the scripture about being decieved and lured away basically by their own lusts etc. & How in the later days, they will be by their itching ears etc. Seeing what they want or are attracted to----- hearing what they want and then just kinda going off toward it . . .

Puts me right back where He keeps taking me. & His telling me or showing me just the "simplicity of the gospel" - - - - and how often
"we" complicate the crap out of things.

& I do believe that many of the good ministers/teachers we watch/hear are off a little. (a little) Any time the focus is on us----- or what blessing we can get------- or our gifts, our purpose etc. . . . then it is askew and I don't hedge on this at all.

The focus always has to be Him. It always has to be His purpose, not ours. & His focus is for the unbelieving world to come to know Him, period------- so that they might be reconciled back unto Him. He loves us, is certainly concerned for us, etc. ----but while we try to figure out how to make our life----whatever we're trying to make our life-------------- His purpose isn't to cater to our individual lives every second of every day. It's more for us to lay our lives down, as He did---in lieu of what He wants--------------------------not the other way around.

Does He love us and care about the little things we do? Sure. He proves it all the time. I think sometimes just as encouragement so we know He is still right here with us . . .

I wondered if I was feeling all these various things while watching the different preachers and teachers and prophets . . . etc, seeing things "differently" with a hint of speticism that wasn't there before because I am in a different place. ???

I am sorta between churches and so I've been visiting this year ---but am not placed in one that is my "home church". & To be frank, I really have always felt I needed to be somewhere. Because- not speaking for anyone else, just me--- I need the discipline of just showing up. I need the discipline of constantly putting God before maybe my own needs on a Sunday morning when maybe I'd rather sleep a little longer or something. & Because I know if left without a body that knows me and is up close in my life---I can very quickly just kinda fade away or . . . . fall away . . .

& There's been some thought also that maybe He was pulling me out of what I perceive to be "normal" to be more in the street ministry---or home bible study group kinda thing . . .

Then I have grappled with that, wondering if the enemy is just trying to slit my throat-but using something that at the moment seems more appealing then having to walk through one- or a million more doors before He places me in a church building to stay again . . .

And I am tired. & I am concerned.

The Word says if we judge ourselves then we need no one else judge us.

I do evaluate things quite often. I check and assess and clearly know where I am failing. Then I wonder, where He thinks I am. Sometimes I ask. Sometimes I don't, cause I'm not sure I want the answer. (Just being honest)

I just know I do want to be His.-
I know I want Him to be pleased with me, yet I will also say sometimes some things I choose to do--I know it is not what He prefers, yet I do it anyway . . .
So then I question harder-----------------because if I love Him, which I feel I do, . . . why do I do these things?
I KNOW HOW PAUL FELT.

But I want the real Jesus. Not a carbon copy. Not what someone else makes Him, . . . Not a fake rhinestone Jesus that may or may not exist . . .

& I also cringe when I feel this dread feeling inside that something is off about something I am hearing or watching, and after prayer it doesn't leave and after meditation it doesn't leave-----------------but I watch droves of people clammering around that thing, that idea, that whatever . . .

& My heart says----------------"Noooooooooooooo!"

To be honest further, I think there is apart me, probably a part in everyone that at one time wanted to hear what they wanted to hear--- all the time, with nothing hard and a lot of good things falling on them and a lot of encouragement.

We're human. Thank GOD HE knows our frame!!!

Cause the reality is, He never said any of this would be easy. In fact--- He said the opposite. He said that we would SUFFER trials and tribulation in this world.

(just as He did)

But how He had overcome the world====== and so that is our hope.

Our hope is that despite what happens, He is with us always and He will never leave of forsake us (though we can Him) & He will help us overcome our time in the battle as we walk along (if we let Him)

A lot of people seem to never get over the Santa Claus Jesus . . .

We are all be there a little at some point, but eventually we have to come out of it.

But with Santa Claus Jesus--- you're always on the right path and if not, don't worry, there's grace. He sits on His throne every day and just meditates on how He can bless you particularly today. He is just waiting for you to ask Him for more money, a bigger car and house. & He has nothing better to do than to hear us sob about everything that is wrong with out existence. He's proud that we went to church last Sunday, so you know, we can be proud too and wear it like a badge. & He doesn't mind that we forgot to read our bible yesterday or talk to Him for about half a week now. He understands. & It's alright to complain, cause we're just "being real". & He's so great, if we forget to thank Him, He really doesn't seem to mind.

Santa Claus Jesus.

Good in theory. Feels good. But, reality is, . . . the ones speaking only from a Santa Claus Jesus persepctive----even if the believe in God and are honestly living out their lives in their mind for Him------really still arent' doing others good. Cause they are promoting a Jesus that is at best part but not whole.

Following after God will cost. The Word itself says unless you are ready to leave it all, lay it all down for the cause-----

unless your love for Him is far greater than mother, father, sister, brother, etc.---------------------------- then we can't be His disciples.

How many are being "fooled" into thinking otherwise?

How many are deceived?

These are just questions I have.

What Do I Believe, What Don't I Believe & Who Am I Now Anyway?

2010-08-05T05:57:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of questions. Maybe I've always had a lot of questions. I guess I am not shy about asking something if I am not understanding it. & I guess I probably like to know what is going on, or how things are working, because it gives me some sense of security or something. It puts me at greater ease.

Right now I guess I have some inside questions going on. & I've been asking God and I guess I am kinda waiting for a few answers.

Looking at trash cans in Walmart this morning I ran into a man I went to church with for years. In catching up, out of both of our mouths came a few things that still have me thinking this morning.

He had asked where I was going to church (knowing I had left where I had been for over 7 years) and I had asked him if he was still at the one he went to when he left where we both were . . .

He answered yes- he was still there, but wished he wasn't. & I answered that I have visited many places but still have not found where I felt I was supposed to be . . .

Ugh----------

& He went on to explain that he loves his Pastor, likes his church just fine, has even been doing a couple things there, with children and adults . . .

But how in some ways, it seems on the surface, not with him, just the setting. That a lot of the people just looked at church as their "duty" for Sunday. & How a lot of leadership----- well, it's just a job . . .

Neither of us are the kind of people that are not happy unless we are tearing someone or something else down. In speaking though, it was evident that we saw some of the same things.

& All this kinda opened up dialogue about the leading up to me being led out the doors of the one we both had been at. Not about that church or even them . . . but about God doing something in me and Him moving me on.

My issue, I KNOW moved me out, . . . but what I missed was the whereto . . .

It's been months now. Almost a year since I left my old church. (left in September of 09) It's been since the first of the year since i left the church I thought I was to go to . . .

Since then, my church going has been pretty much the very picture of what feels like a very gypsy-like existence.

I can go anywhere, visit anywhere, but have not felt the Holy Spirit's tugging that "This is it!"

I know God is real. I know He has done unexplicable things in my own life. No one could ever tell me He does not exist. No one could ever convince me otherwise. I have had experience . . . firsthand knowledge . . . . I have had relationship . . .

& Every day I see Him in little things. Yeah, sometimes I have a bad day and I am inner focused or focused so strongly on something else, maybe I don't notice . . .
but then there He is . . .

But suddenly a lot that I see does seem surface. Like a ball here and a ball there, rolling, . . . like machinery . . . . . running, running, running. -Almost mechanical . . .

I watch this one and listen to that one and a couple times all of a sudden something just wells up in me and I want to scream . . .

Everyone saying something different. Everyone has the answer. Everyone is talking for God.

& I suddenly wonder--- who are the real voices out there? Who are the ones that are coming with nothing but love of God and others? Who?

One day this frustration washed over my body . . . I had been listening to preachers and teachers and prophets . . . etc. and everyone had a particular word or message they were to bring. It was overwhelming and produced a whole lot of questions.

I rolled away from my desk and cried out to God,"Lord!!! Is any of this even real . . . ?"

He didn't answer that question. What He did say, was that I had Him-----and therefore I had all I needed.

& He reinstilled in me the simplicity of the gospel.

He came because they did not know Him, so that they might know Him and be able to even have relationship with Him. He walked with them and supped with them and taught them and prayed for them and showed Himself real . . . so that they might know, and they might go . . . so that the others might know . . .

And then He went to be with the Father-- So:

They walked with them and talked with them and supped with them and taught them and prayed for them and He showed Himself real through them so others might know and they might go . . . .

So that I might know. . . I might be able to have relationship and I might go . . .

And how all the rest, . . . really does not matter.

I have been deep inside the church . . . and I have also been deep outside the church. I have led a christian existence. I have also led a very worldly existence. & I have even led a life that actually seemed to have elements of both---
which just by it's very nature is NOT living for God---- because it is not one way or another. It is like a blade of wheat bloing in the wind . . . & We allknow the Word says that He would rather you be HOT or COLD, but not lukewarm. Lukewarm will cause Him to SPIT YOU out of His mouth! agh . . . .

I have seen and do see horrendous things in this world . . . etrocities . . .
but I have also seen some pretty unloving, or at the least apathic people inside the "church".

I have also saw or worked along side some tremendous individuals trying their best to do as God leads them.

But also saw God flooding out of men and women that don't go to standard "church" at all.

The how I thought things were really aren't in some places. & Either I am amiss or God is changing my perspective again, or giving men further revelation.

I do wish I had a home church. But- maybe for now I am just where I need to be.

GOD BLESS

The Little Things

2010-07-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

Ever think that something small that is bothering you--- or something small that you wish or care about . . . is just too small for God?

I mean you'll ask him for the big thing . . . or what we perceive to be big . . . but often we won't ask Him for the small things, . . . like it's not worth His time?

The thing is . . . I think He delights, at times, to move in those very things.

Maybe you'd like to pass by that smart alec at work just once without him saying something that makes you quip back . . .

Maybe you'd just like to sleep an extra hour tonight because you've been so stressed lately.

Maybe you'd like to keep your house straightened up for a few days after cleaning and not have it obliterated the same night . . .

Or maybe you would like just one week not to eek out every penny you have for gas, but be able to fill up the tank ---just once . . .

I don't know.

A Pastor I had for a long time once challenged us not to ask for anything for ourselves. & When I looked at my prayer back then, there had been so many , "Lord help me's . . . " so I took the challenge and it was amazing what changing your focus can do.

I started changing from "Lord help me do this------ to "Lord help so and so with . . . " etc. Liberating!!!! & Still, even now, I try to keep it outward. Keeps things a lot less about me and a lot more about what He wants to do . . .

Still, . . . in James the Word says, "You have not because you ask not." Hmmm---

Maybe a happy medium?

So I leave for work one day and I am beat tired. Before I left I kinda speak to God silently that I just need some help, some energy, motivation . . .

Leaving my back door I see a bird perched on the fence looking at me. I kinda smile. I get in the car and start driving and notice the sky is turning a brilliant hue. I get to Tim Horton's and the lady says, "Hi Mya" and gives me my decaf with a smiley face on the lid--that she drew. I thanked her. Then I went on to work, with a quickly improving attitude to be greeted by my boss, "Good morning Mya, how are you?"

"I'm good. And you?"

Back in 2008 there was one time inparticular I remember. I was leaving a house I lived in then to go to town. I was a mess. My nerves were gone. A lot of things were going on I did not understand. I was completely confused about something that was failing miserably and I did not understand what I had done to fail that time around . . . I wasn't even heartbroken . . . I was confused and numb. I started bawling when I hit the interstate to get to town. I remembered some things dear to me . . to my heart, and that just made me cry harder. Started to get off on an exit just to be more upset because It didn't want 309, I wanted 95, ugh . . .
So I crossed over . . . and went up an exit on the other side to continue down the road. As I entered up the new exit . . . I drove right into the end of a rainbow!!!

& At that moment it just felt like God's love washed over me . . & He reminded me of HIS promise to me . .and even little particular things . .from now long ago . . . :)

& Now I still wept, . . . but in this sweet kind of joy . . . relief . . .

He knew right where I was--------and just what I needed-----------
and He made sure to let me know He was right there . . .

Sometimes in our hurt or anger . . . sometimes in our effort to try to stay focused on Him and all the "right things" . . . we leave out us . . . and those small things.

I am not encouraging anyone to be all about yourself. No.

I AM encouraging all of us though- to be just "real" with God. I mean, after all, He knows.

When we can be real with Him, He can work wonders in our lives. He can do flat out miracles in our lives that years later we're STILL thinkin'--------had to be God, had to be God.

So, even when it is small and seemingly doesn't matter to anyone but us . . .
believe me, . . . it does matter to Him too.

:) He'll just sit in a porch swing with ya---if ya let Him!

GOB BLESS

Without Him In Me

2010-07-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

Without Him in me-
I can do nothing

I might see plights and blight
But my power to help is limited

Without Him in me-
I can do nothing

I might hear the cries of unborn children
but be nothing more than a voice, a cause

Without Him in me-
I can do nothing

I can feel empathy or sympathy or concern
but provide no real and lasting answer

Without Him in me-
I can do nothing

Can have the most charismatic speeches
And woo many but only temorarily

Without Him in me-
I can do nothing

Achieve great things
That in the end will all burn

Without Him in me-
I can do nothing

Say to that mountain- BE moved!
And then stare at that mountain still . . .

Without Him in me-
I can do nothing

I can claim to know Jesus . . .
But never see another soul enter His kingdom . . .

But the Word says:

"I can do ALL THINGS through Him that strengthens me."

Me in Him and Him in me . . .

Anything else isn't anything at all . . .

Rules, Regiment & Relationship

2010-05-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

Wow. I think I could write a whole book on this subject! Before you think I believe I know a lot here, though, just keep in mind, most people learn through failures . . . and failures I sometimes do feel I have down pat, ha ha.

Have you ever heard that love is a choice? Most have. I have to tell you that I feel it is and also that in part it isn't, but whatever your bend or belief there, surely you know there is such a thing as "love".

Humanly we are drawn to other people. That's not a bad thing. God made us that way. *He also made us in His image . . . . hmm-

Now maybe this guy here is attracted to that lady because he tends to like blondes, likes the way the hair looks in the sunlight . . .

Maybe this girl here is attracted to that guy over there because she thinks he's funny and he makes her laugh . . .

& Maybe these two ladies are fast friends because they both enjoy shopping, both get the same jokes and both think the same t.v. shows are stupid . . .

These are attractions and "cliques" but these are not love . . . although they have the potential to be---in one sort or another.

Now, have you ever wondered why God would even want you to come to Him? Have you ever just thought about Adam and Eve or thought about the evil the world filled up with until He decided to flood it out . . . or even about now with all the atrocities that man has been able to fathom and carry out . . . Have you ever just thought maybe it didn't make all that much sense that He, God, would become Man, Jesus, and be born on this earth to adhere to parents and grow up and be sent on a three year mission of walking and talking and "loving" the people--- including the rough ones, the smelly ones, the clueless ones and the less than desirable of society---as well as the regular Joes and even the soldiers that would eventually kill Him? Did you ever think that it makes no sense why ANYONE would ever do such a thing?

Humanly, it doesn't.

But God, Creator of all things- both heaven and earth----- longed for us, His masterpiece, created in His own image . . . to be able to be reconciled back unto Himself. He knew there would be none righteous enough . . . He knew that NO ONE man or woman would ever make the grade, the cut or be able to stand . . .

So in the one and only recorded case of "completely committed" . . . the Lord Himself became man so that we had a way back to Him . . . He loved us that much.

Think of it this way. Have you ever seen the following:

1) Couple 1: They are married, have jobs, have kids. They have a decent house and go on vacation every year. They don't talk alot. He watches ball on the weekends and she goes with her friends. While with his friends he complains about his wife and her nagging. & While she's with her friends she seeks sympathy because she views him as lazy and unmotivated and now her friends do too. & They leave it this way. & They don't really want to be there, but neither seem to ever take a step toward making anything different. He continues to bring home the bulk of their money . . . cause "that's what you do" . . . and she continues to cook and clean and do his laundry, mechanically even . . . because "that's what you do". Obligation. Rules. No one is stepping out on anyone------that's wrong. No one is leaving or stopping what they are "supposed to do" . . . but this picture is lacking one thing----one to another and overall . . . "L O V E".

2) Couple 2: Also married, have been 15 years. You don't hear him or her saying much of anything that could even be construed as mean spirited toward the other-----except in jest . . . & When that happens, they both laugh. -No glaring looks shot across this table! You see them occasionally holding hands. & Yeah, they have their rough times too, . . . but they seem broken by them and then drawn closer together . . . not like they are relinqushing anything . . . & You will notice that there seems to be an "above and beyond" kind of mentality. You might not see it everyday, but eventually will witness both kinda being selfless and doing things for that other one for seemingly no good reason, other than just because they can.
"L O V E".

Now, with this in mind, let us think about the Lord.

He created us. He formed us in our mother's wombs. He longs for us to be in relationship with Him, . . . yet He gave us free will. In essence, we can "choose" to be in relationship with Him or not. Now why would He do that?!?!?!? I mean He's GOD!!!

Simple way to look at it: If you are in a "relationship" with a lady or a man . . . do you want them there because they have to be . . . or because they "want" to be? If they do things for you, . . . do you want them doing it only because it is required or because their heart is to do those things and even to please you? That's why. It is Rules & Regiment vs. Relationship.

A relationship built only on the rules & regiment side gives only what is required and meets the minimum standards to still meet the criteria.

A relationship that is truly relationship is built on love.

& *A relationship with God simply built on head knoweldge, religion and the rules only . . . isn't really a relationship at all.

A relationship with God isn't because you "have to", . . . but because you want to.

It might mean the difference between "busying yourself" with your hand or foot in ten different ministries . . .

. . .Or simply sitting alone in a pew and reading I Corinthians one day.

*Or maybe just saying, "Here I am Lord, what do You want from me today"? . . . and waiting . . . for the answer.

So today, assessment . . . where are we? Where are the relationships in our lives? Are they even really relationships?

& More importantly, . . . where is our relationship with God? Do we have one?

Hmmm. Kinda throws a new spin unto "Love thy God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbor as yourself . . . "

True relationship will have a sense of duty/obligation, but that will not be the whole thing and it will not be the driving force most of the time.

True relationship will have all the components and it will persevere when it makes no human sense at all. It will push you to your limit and will bring you back a better man, or woman . . . and it will be that one place, that one indescribable thing that you no longer ever want to live without.

& That is what a relationship with God is like.
:) God bless

Mom

2010-05-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

Today is Mother's Day. My mom is dead of this earth. She passed on in late summer of 2006. It would be very easy to allow myself to get lost in the missing her part, . , . And kind-of forget the passing on part. SHE PASSED ON, meaning, she's with God now. She's got no more pain, no more things overwhelming her until she finally worries, no more sickness. She's whole. She's not only at peace but in peace- every moment of not her DEATH- but her continued "LIFE". Wow. True, I sure do miss her . . . Miss how when she was well she always looked younger than her age. Miss how everyone thought she was so pretty (she was), even beautiful . . . Miss how stoic she could be through some of the hardest things. Miss her pork chop gravy and her smile- and those blue eyes that could caress you or seem to look right into your soul--- and always seem to see the more you just didn't have words for. I miss her generosity and her love of music. Miss seeing her draw someone just as they were. + I sure miss her telling me "I love you". Mostly though, I just miss her. *I sat straddled on her bed the day she died here . . . I saw her last breath and could not breathe myself as I saw it escaping . . . But I also saw her eyes pop open and her hands raise as the angels came to usher her in. + I believe gettIng to witness that was more for my brother and son and I to witness than for my mom. *After all- she was already on her way! Happy Mother's Day Mom! + Thank You, Lord for letting me have her for awhile here.

Fester, Fester, Infection . . .

2010-05-04T05:26:00.000-07:00

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
NIV

I apparently do this.

Most of the people around me apparently do this.

Something bothers me, and I don't say. It's my attempt to try to ease the situation, I guess, or avoid conflict. It's not because I can't deal with conflict but because nothing ever seems to get solved, so it seems pointless at times. Most times I really do kinda let things roll off; but, then again, sometimes some things never really stop bothering me. . . .

How we choose to react is the difference between assisting in resolution or adding more fuel to the fire. I usually react just trying to let it go and getting over it.

But I miss some. & Sometimes I miss it in a big way.

& In a moment, when things pile up, and multiple things have my guts in a knot one way or another: money, a mouthy daughter, not knowing how I am going to pay this stack over here and then being pushed away or disrespected . . . by a few people in my life that I would do anything for---

I every now and again find myself in that place, where I feel pushed into a corner and there is nowhere to go but take it (slowly imploding) or try to deal with it best I can (sometimes exploding).

Either way, I'm wrong. Either way, it's sin. To keep it all locked inside, besides making myself sick, it's pretending everything is all right when its not.

To come back at whoever the same way they are handling me, to coin a human term is just adding another wrong trying to make a right. Nobody wins.

Anger usually isn't my issue. Just being pressed on a lot of things right now from a lot of directions and I am stressed beyond my normal ability to handle it.

There are some things I have a right to get angry about.

But it is never the right thing to do to spout off or hurt someone just because your current need, or ongoing need is not met.

God asked us to be different than that.

Today, I failed.

When I get angry, generally, after I cool off I realize it's hurt I'm really feeling. I guess for me when I can't take the hurt anymore, I get mad.

It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to sin while I am.

& When people leave it that way, . . .

Then it festers and festers and festers . . .

And each time a conflict comes up, so does all the garbage. And so does then the sin.

& It helps make caverns out of pinholes.

& It helps destroy relationships.

I failed.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
NIV

Issues . . .

2010-05-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

NERVES . . . Nerves . . . nerves . . .

Some people do not struggle in this area at all. I guess we all struggle with something.

I have always had issues with fears, had phobic qualities . . . often guarded . . . trust issues sometimes, . . . preferring sometimes to wall . . . instead of let go.

I was a people pleaser most of my life. Not that I did, . . . just tried.

& I now see I also tried to be a God pleaser for at least a period of time.

Know what I figured out so far?

Well, . . . God knows it--- even when we don't.

+ People? Hmm. Well, you'll never please everyone all the time, can't please most people most of the time, and rarely will please anyone particular for very long.

Oh you can try. Someday sometime that hamster wheel will either spin itself out . . . or you will.

Anyway, lately it almost feels as if I had a relapse of sorts in this particular area.

Instead of trusting things I felt I already had answers inside about . . .

Instead of trusting God . . .

I let myself get uptight about a few things. I caused a few people a little un-needed stress and caused myself a lot of it.

I had it over a house that isn't even mine.

I had it over a daughter who really needs to take a look at how she is treating me instead of the other way round.

I had it over a friend who was visiting, and when she came she didn't even visit!

& I had it today after a disagreement, worrying after that all might be lost if it wasn't fixed "right now". When in reality, maybe nothing needed fixed.

Maybe they are allowed to feel whatever they are feeling, . . . but maybe I am too, and I don't need to worry endlessly that I have to make something up.
Maybe nothing needs made up.

My issue, probably containing various sin compenents all working together and leaving me frazzled, frustrated and tired.

God forgive me.

The Word says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philipians 4:6

Corrected . . .

"I Can't"

2010-04-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was hard work. Several hours prior to yesterday spuratically were hard work. I've been trying to scrape and paint the trim on the house I currently live in. & Let's just say- I thought of trim as around windows & doors, . . . but in reality- it's around windows and doors and roof lines and overhangs and garage edges and and and . . . and usually it's not just one piece but one piece might have three distinct sections . . . and maybe one of the three is a different color . . . ugh!

I'm 45. Not old by any means, but not young either. Have had various health issues going on and had my stomach torn up for awhile and physically just seemed to have lost a lot of the tone I just had . . . and gained weight too. So, you know, this was actually quite an undertaking.

At the end of the day I merely had to paint two thin strips so that there would be a nice clean line between gray and white . . . and the harder I tried . . . the more I messed up and got over on the other color. Then I would wait and try again . . . and again . . . ugh!

I was so frustrated . . . and went to my dad, who was helping, almost crying honestly, and said "I can't do it. I just can't do it." & He asked what & I told him. & This is how he responded:

"Well, there comes a point when it's just time to stop . . . when nothing is working out right, and Mya, I think we've reached that point."

& Now, looking back, clearly reminds me of our relationship with the Father---------

When we have tried all we know to do in our own way and ability . . . still seem to be failing . . . and we go to Him and say "Daddy, Father--- I can't."

& He says, "It's about time YOU stopped trying."

Then we give it over to Him and somehow things seem better already . . .

& We might not know how, but can rest that all is well, all is well . . .

God bless you all today. Have a great weekend!

P.S. Still will pray, send requests anytime!

I Love How He Interacts With Me

2010-04-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

I love how He interacts with me! I love how sometimes He just comes to me in a way that seems "normal" or "relational", instead of me being the small fleshly human being and Him being the great big awesome God that He is . . .

I have been visiting a church (more often than not) while I've been without a "home church".

They had a plan for a 24 hour prayer festival where for 24 hours they would tag team==== indiviudals or couples taking hour shifts.

For a couple services at least, maybe a couple weeks I kept seeing two 1 hour shifts that no one name was on. I wondered the 1st time I looked, and a second and probably a third. Let it go.

Between me and the enemy, all the reasons that maybe I should not volunteer kept popping up. Still, there it was, empty.

The night before this was to take place I apparently still was questioning . . .

But obviously, it did hit my thought wave.

So I said, "Lord, if You reeeallly want me to go, . . . then You let me kow it's You . . . like wake me up at 3:00 a.m. . . . . If You wake me up at 3:00 a.m. then I'll know it's You and I'll go". Went to sleep

Woke up. Layed there for a moment, then reached for the cell.

3:00 . . . SIGH_______________________________________________________

"Okay"-

& Here's something further and kinda neat.

I got up, went the restroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed then layed back down for a moment--- grabbed the phone again. . .

& I sware-- it said 3:00 a.m.

What???????

Guess maybe He was making a point. -But didn't feel at all like He was annoyed with me, . . . more relational . . . like He was poking me . . .

I imagine laughing.

So I went to the church. & I took my music. Since I am not a member there I asked the Pastor who was there with the Leader of the Prayer Team if tongues were allowed.

Explaining--- that I do know that when in a "house" you have to adhere to the authority God put over it. & Also knowing that sometimes, in fact often, I do not know what to pray, but the Spirit always does.

He said the particular denomination does not believe in that for today---but what I was speaking of was my prayer language . . . and to "pray as I felt led".

Thank You Lord- Thank You Pastor Bobby-

Anyway, did pray, and sang and felt like God spoke to me about some things - mostly about that church---- while I was in.

& Mostly it feels like it was "Hey will you come" . . . and then "So glad You made it . . . " and just some time handpicked by God . . .

Just constantly amazed not only that He considers me at all, but that He either comes to me in that real, tangible way or takes me somewhere to meet with Him.

& (Yes, know He is with me always, just sometimes it is much more evident)

But I love how He speaks to me . . . and interacts with me . . . and even plays with me.

He Walked A Little Different

2010-04-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

When you feel you don't quite fit the "norm", consider this: (borrowed from A Renegade's Guide to God, by David Foster)

"Jesus was born in a backwoods village. His mother was a peasant teenage virgin who came up pregnant under questionable circumstances. He worked in obscurity in his father's carpenter shop until He was thirty, after which he became in interant preacher. He never owned a home, never wrote a book, and never organized an army. He avoided big cities, except for Jerusalem during the last days of His life. He walked everywhere He went and traveled less than two hundred miles from the obscure village in which He was born. When He did go public, He chose a rag-tag group of twelve unlettered, underachieving men, some of whom were of questionable character. He was famous for His constant head-butting with the religious ruling elite of His day. He was a renegade of the first order. When it came to making all the wrong people mad, He excelled. His message was like oil and water when compared to the religious norms of His day. But to the common man He was seen as "every man's" champion while at the same time He was feared and hated by the religious elite.

conts~ When the winds of public opinion turned ill against Him, the cheering crowds dispersed and His friends stepped ito the shadows. When questioned, Peter, the leader of the disciples and one of the inner-circle, denied even knowing Him. Without just cause, Jesus ws handed over to the avarice and caprice of His enemies. He went through the mockery of an illegal trial. He was publicly beaten and humiliated. He was forced to carry His cross outside the city to the top of a garbage dump. There, they nailed Him to a cross, gouged it into the ground, and sat down to watch Him die."

endquote

Jesus didn't quite fit the mold of the "norm" of His day either. & Jesus wasn't about "religion", He was about relationship. & He gave His life so you and I could even have one.

He hung with all the "don't know no betters" because He wanted them to know truth. He scolded the Saducees and Pharisees, the "religious" rulers of the time, saying that they did more to keep people away . . .

For those last three plus years He went about the Father's business going from town to town, place to place teaching, talking, supping, relating, praying for, healing people, . . . so that they might know Him, and be able to be in relationship.

Though His own people did not understand until really after His death, . . . then He took it to the cross.

& When He hung, bruised and battered and drained of His human life's blood---------
the block (the veil) between us and God was ripped right in half.

-So that we might know Him, and we might go and teach, talk, sup, relate, pray for, see Him heal . . . so that they might know Him and be able to have relationship . . .

He isn't about religion. We make God very small when we stick Him in our boxes.

Truth is, He never intended Christians gathering together as more than a place to be taught and refreshed and to be in the company of others who also believed, so then again, could all "go". & We do need that. There is strength there and accountability to stay on the path. But . . .

What He called us for is outside the doors, outside our own lives, and certainly outside of of tiny ideas formed by human minds.

You can't put God in a box. Don't try. But- Do yourself a favor, & don't put yourself solely in one either. GOD BLESS

A New Directive- I Corinthians 6:19

2010-04-05T06:40:00.000-07:00

Ever had a new directive? Have you ever felt led to change something up . . . even if it seemed like it effected no one else but you? I have, . . . and I am.

I have had various health issues crop up in the last years . . . at least the last year, anyway. I have had a lot of stomach issues that I never had and also had some old and now some new vertabrae, nerve and weight issues adding to the mix. Some is due to my age, I'm sure. The weight issue, I do think maybe a little has been due to the stomach ailments but alot of it . . well just because I had come to a happier place and maybe was eating better & probably more.

You eat more than you burn off, you're going to gain weight, period. You add organs inside not functioning quite right and swelling now and again because of ulcers, . . . well then it just it just adds to it. & When you become inactive and sit or lay a lot . . . quit doing the small things you once did, it all can make alot of body changes quickly.

I am juicing now. This is new to me. Several months ago and probably at least three times over the last three years I felt the Holy Spirit nudge to change some things up. I knew that even God was telling me "Do this, don't do that" in regards to eating and drinking.

I did actually try to follow. & Frankly it seemed weird. First it was walk this many laps around the lot I used to live at. I did. Then it was to put straight lemon juice in water and drink it. I did. Then it was to start eating yogurt again. I did. I did them all for awhile, . . . but would tire of it or just kinda let it go.

Last year I found out I had duodenal ulcers & a large kidney. Hmm. *Duodenal ulcers can be hereditary and my dad did have them. They are also often found in people with pylori bacteria in their gut which half the world population has. Of that half, it usually only causes problems in 10% of the people. Wow! . .Unlike gastric (stomach) ulcers, people with duodenal ulcers will often gain weight because they do not realize they have a problem until its a real problem . .Ugh. & Now maybe there are some gall bladder issues as well . . .

In hindsight I realize that God telling me to walk was to get something moving again. To add lemon juice to water is because we all should drink a lot of water and the lemon juice is an astringent that would help clean out my insides. & The yogurt would have done two things, "calmed" my insides down and also given me some of the "good bacteria" to fight anything that might have been bad down there. Hmm, hindsight IS always 20/20.

What started as a quest for health, which frankly I have failed at doing much about, now has become for everything. I really do feel that God wants me to get back into decent shape. I don't think He is necessarily concerned with how I look or how I feel personally about myself . . . but maybe it is just so I will go on and accomplish things for Him . . .

& The me part of it, I need to feel better. I would like to look better and I have a lot of reason and people to stick around for. I still have things to do!

I thought of this verse, and I know it does not only apply to what we eat and drink, . . . but I do believe it ALSO applies to what we eat and drink:

1 Corinthians 6:19 (New King James Version)
19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?

He created me, He bought and paid for me with a great price, He has wooed me, protected me and loved me----

And yet I have been pretty lackadaisical at even taking care of the body that He gave me to get to walk around and use.

Yes, . . . yes I need to do something different, and I am . . . Thank You Lord.

When You Have To Make a Decision

2010-03-29T12:34:00.001-07:00

We are all faced with decisions all the time. Big ones, small one, hard ones, . . . easier ones-

I used to think and think and over-think so much that for a number of years it was hard to make a decision at all. Part of that was depression. & Admittedly, I lived there-for years. It wasn't that I wanted to be there, . . . just had poor set of circumstances and mental and emotional ends were severely frayed. Once I got there, I had a hard time getting out. & I will attest that when you are there, even when you "once knew God" or had believed . . . it isn't always easy to see the light or find it again . . . I am sure the enemy loves to find people in that state, . . . where he can help us be out own worst enemies!

But- decisions . . . not always easy. In fact, they are often very hard.

& I will here tell you all, I haven't always made right ones. Many times I faced off with this or that-and I did not always choose the right way . . .

Here lately though circumstances have presented themselves & me and another person have been trying to make some decisions about life . . .

And to be honest with you-there's one decision that I could easily cave on, because I know that decision could alter my own personal happiness---greatly.

I could say, "Okay-even though it's not what I think God wants- okay" and probably -maybe- have a better chance at retaining something VERY dear to my heart . . .

But- when it came down to sorting through every emotion and every truth, and every past mistake and how things have worked out so far and . . . and . . . and--------

I had to nervously stand on that one point. . . with my heart just breathless . . . hoping it would not take away the very thing I loved . . .

and knowing that it might-----------------

And that's where I AM at.

So, I will continue to pray for you. I know God still hears me and I still hear from Him. -But maybe I could use your prayers also.

Thank you & God bless!

So hard people. So hard.

Where's The Focus?!

2010-03-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

It is easy to see only what is in front of us, isn't it, . . . car troubles, not enough money, this one's grades or that one's health issues . . .?

Very quickly common everyday issues can steal our attention, grab our focus, . . . consume us if we aren't careful.

Sometimes we can stare so hard at something negative going on, that we can lose our faith in Him. In fact, when we continously seem to be be drawn away into nervousness or hopelessness or fear or any number of things . . . it is a pretty good indication that we are not focusing on God at all. At the very least, we are not trusting Him for our situations.

Luke 12:29-31 says: “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. 31 But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you." (New King James Version)

We might not have all the answers. In fact, we probably rarely have any that will amount to much. Yet, He has them all. + His Word also says that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, . . . which is very very small . . . then we, as believers, can look and that mountain and say "Move!" and it shall move . . . into the sea---or wherever . . . ha ha.

If we keep Him first, seek Him, then He will take care of all these "other things".

Wow. Sometimes we sure make it a lot more difficult than it has to be!

Another thing, we can choose to see things through jaded, bitter eyes . . . or we can choose to see the wonder of creation, the gifts we were given and the people in our lives, and be content with wherever we are and with whatever we have.

Everywhere any of us look, there are ample things to be thankful to God for . . . Just a thought* Be blessed!

The Servant's Heart

2010-03-22T05:31:00.001-07:00

The Lord instructs us to be servants . . . to "prefer others" ahead of ourselves, make ourselves a little lower than the rest.

Ever done this in regards to someone else's happiness? Did things or gave away things or let go of what you had wanted, maybe even counted on-for the sake of someone else's happiness or well being?

Think of a mother, . . . she' hungry herself, . . . there's just a little stew left or maybe one more piece of homemade bread, and she didn't have any . . . but little Suzi or Johnny comes running in . . .

-And mom will give what was rightfully hers away . . . in a moment because of her love for that child.

It isn't easy though sometimes is it? Sometimes there isn't anything fun or that even seems "right" or "fair" about it does it?

I mean we all live in a society that breeds us to "look out for number one" and "get yours before someone else does". Sad really.

There is a whole world of people that will walk right in front of an old lady and not open a door for her-

People suing people all the time for small and large sums-

And pretty much every one else writing contracts to make sure they are protected from everyone else-

How far off from everything have we gotten in this world? How far?!

The Lord instructed that when we enter in, not to take the "best seat", but make sure to give that to someone else-

And to "prefer" each other over ourselves and be "kindly, with affection" from the heart-

But that what we do is not to please man as others are looking on, but from our heart because that desire is there in the first place.

We're to do things as we are doing them directly onto God.

King David was always one of my favorite Bible stories. Why? Well, because he was a tremendous screw-up. When he messed up, he messed up in BIG ways. Yet, God referred to him, even after, as a "Man after His own heart". Wow! A man after God's own heart!

& Here is what I see:

David was young, 13 I think, when he come to know God had annointed him King. He grew into a mighty man. Still, not operating as King, he had the love and adoration of many. He could have have gotten troops of men to overtake Saul but he did not. Why? -Because his heart was to follow the Lord. & The Lord had not moved him into that position- yet. . . .

Later in many places David fell. When he did, he made big blunders, not small ones. My goodness, he took another man's wife as his own and then had the man killed to cover it up. Yet, still, God referred to David as a "man after his own heart". WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I think because when David fell and realized his mistake, he was truly sorry . . . from his heart. It was not lip service. It was not flippant. It grieved him that he had grieved God.

& David was also passionate. When he was in he was A L L in and when he was out, . . . he was probably all o u t too.

Except for the time he disobeyed and did not go into the battle as he was asked---- he was not one to hold back.

He gave everything he had . . . with no promise of "safety" or "happiness".

And for these things I think He found favor in God's eyes. . . . . . .

I marveled once years and years ago when I read his story. I wasn't even in church or anything at that time. Still, in it I saw hope. I mean, if God could find favor in him . . . with all that he had done, surely there was hope for me also. & I prayed that someday God would make me a "Woman after His own heart."

Not sure that has been achieved . . . but He's still workin' on it . . .

I do know I fail sometimes at not getting into that "protect yourself at all costs" mindset-

In conversation just yesterday with someone that was concerned with what they were losing or what they would have to do to achieve a certain end result--- had me thinking all the same way.

Then I started wondering about my own well being, and how to make sure that I was being considered or whatever . . .

God forgive me.

The truth is, my life is the same place it was before, . . . in His hand. His instructions to me is to love Him with all my heart, mind, soul + strength and love my neighbors (or everyone else) as myself.

So- I'm going to try to make sure that I help the ones around me, . . . that I love even when I am not loved back, and that I give everything I have, . . . because it's all I have . . .

And leave the rest to God.

God Bless_

The Weight of Words

2010-03-18T05:23:00.001-07:00

Have you ever heard "Sticks and Stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me!"? This saying was meant to be an encouragement to children that were ridiculed by other children.

Do words hurt? Can they? Yes, of course they can. We are human. In this human make-up that we consist of, we have different parts and pieces and one of the things we were given is emotions, ability to "feel".

If you were a child that heard repeatedly, "You're stupid!", there is a great chance you would grow up either believing it or being a very angry resentful person.

On the flip side, if you were always told how wonderful you are, how handsome and talented . . . do you think you would suffer from a sense of low self- esteem? Maybe, . . . but probably not as much.

& This isn't about the self-esteem band wagon----- just about words, . . .

Think of the power that some tiny words seem to hold:

"stupid", "idiotic", "slut", "fat", "easy", . . . . . . . . . . or

The smiling sounds of "Will you marry me" in the ears of a woman who longed for that day . . .

The sounds of "I love you",
when two look at each other with love . . .
when many are reuinted . . .
when there has been a quarrel . . .
when one is getting ready to go to heaven . . . .

Today, I just encourage us all to be mindful of what we say, and maybe more importantly the what's in the heart behind the words.

What we might flippantly let loose or say in anger can truly effect in small or big ways who another being is from here on out . . .

& If we doubt that, think of these words:

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" and

"It is finished."

GOD BLESS. Have a great day!

2010-03-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

Was just talking to a friend about changes basically. She and I have both been through some big changing events . . . that maybe have left us both in some ways a little gun-shy on some things. Caution is good, I suppose. Being overly cautious probably is not though.

To liken this to maybe one of the biblical stories, I guess we could think of many, but for now I'll use Ruth.

Ruth had obviously had some troubling situations. Her husband died and she was now with what was left of "his people"- her mother and sister-in-law.

When she was told to depart instead of going on with Naomi--- she chose to stay until the bitter end . . . which certainly could have been if God had not been in this situation . . .

Into a foreign land, now without her husband, without any of her own family- just with Naomi- with nothing for certain on the other side and nothing really that was hers to take with her . . .

A lot of us would say, "Okay I'm done". & In this world, a lot of people would applaud that decision . . . and maybe even help us achieve it, give us sustenance, make us comfortable . . .

Instead she went. & While there she not only existed but made her mind up to thrive . . . and even to help Naomi to exist. She went out and did the one thing that was open to her at the time. She gleaned the fields.

Do you know what this is? It means that she went behind the others, and after they had taken all the best . . . after everything was already picked over and taken . . . she came in and she took the scraps off the ground.

She came in and made herself lower than all the rest---- took what was not appealing or attractive to them . . . . and was content with it.

Agh, now there's a big one. She was content with it!

& We all know the rest of the story. Boaz saw her and seemed vexed by this one that would come in and work twice as hard for the least of what was to be had, with a good attitude and no complaint . . .

So, he, who was owner of it all . . . gave instruction that improved her bounty.

& Much later in the story, he went to great lengths so that he could take her as his wife . . .

Funny how the poor servant girl found favor in the wealthy owner's heart!

Reminds me of how lowering ourselves as servants and being content with that which we are given seems to be dear unto the heart of King.

I don't know exactly where He is taking me. There are clues . . . but you know, I don't need to know how everything works. Maybe for now I'll just be content with the ride.

GOD BLESS. & Here if you need me-

Intercession

2010-03-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

People question one way and another if there is a difference between saying and prayer and a "Gift of Intercession". I'm not sure where I am on that. What I do know is how I once used to pray and how I seem to pray now is very different.

Funny, at what was my church 9, 10 years ago there was this lady- she did intercession. First, I had to ask what that meant. Second, I watched her a lot. She "got my attention" so to speak. She wore her heart on her sleeve. She would go to the church when no one was even around. She cried about people's plights as if they were her own . . .

I did not understand it. Actually, I thought she was a little "weird". I remember seeing her once half laying on the alter of that church . . . and then collecting herself and wiping away tears as she passed me.

In my mind I thought, "Wow Lord, that's really cool, . . . and that's great for her, . . . but it's just not me."

Hmm. I guess we ought to be careful of what we think toward God. After all these years I have been shown many many times that He seems to have a very strong sense of humor.

Now one of the things He has me do is pray for people, situations, cities, regions, nations, circumstances . . . why? I don't know.

What I know is I am miniscule. My own problems and understanding is miniscule in comparison with the God that created all things.

He needs us for absolutely nothing, . . . yet He often invites us to be a part of what He is doing.

God Bless-

And So It Begins . . .

2010-03-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for a cookie-cutter Christian, I am not. If you prefer to hear from someone that has themselves together, that's not me either. I do believe and I do have a relationship with Him. It has been a long and kind of odd journey though, filled with twists and turns and a lot of falls.

I am thankul every day that His mercies are truly new every morning. If it were not for that, I am sure I would not even be trying to follow Him anymore.

The Word says says that "To Whom much is given, much is required". I must be "Whom", ha ha. In reality, I guess we all are.

So, to begin this new journey here, let me say to all of you that might look on, . . . if you have a prayer request, I will pray for you. God Bless-